While you will never be able to eliminate this process – it seems to be part of the human condition – the best strategy to manage it, one area at a time, is to make agreements with yourself that you are willing to respect. The problem lies in their dependence on expectations. The management of a team, your employees or even their customers is always accompanied by a certain disappointment in the performance of those with whom you work, that is, when performance is measured according to expectations. Agreements solve assumptions and expectations. They make relationships work, at least when two (or more) people have committed to respect their agreements. Expectations vs. AgreementsCoach and author Steve Chandler (www.stevechandler.com) is an intelligent voice on the difference between expectations and chords. He is aware that he considers all expectations to be toxic and that he has never considered them useful. In his audio speech about it, Steve says, First and foremost the reason you want to use chords is that they work very well when expectations don`t work and they alienate people. When you use the word wait, people know that this is the subject that concerns you and has nothing to do with them. The chords are bold and creative. You are honouring the other person.
You are a co-author between two composers…. People respect agreements to a much greater extent than they are. They feel stressed when their heads are full of expectations towards them. They feel pressure and resentment. They`re rebelling. (Will you notice? Do you have children? Staff?) But create a good deal? Both sides win. You can have relationships based on expectations or relationships based on agreements. Expectations are cowardly and self-destructive. They are cowards, because when I expect things from others, I have all the responsibilities beyond myself.
I expect my colleague to do his job properly, I expect my family member to act in a certain way, and the list goes on. If I am unhappy, it is because of them. Expectations cause disappointment. It is a miserable life that awaits so many others and suffers so much disappointment and betrayal. There is a popular proverb in America that is important by the slogan of a chain of donuts and cafes, “America Runs on Dunkin”. In this piece, I will write about something else that our Western culture does even more than coffee and donuts, and these are expectations. And just like coffee, and especially donuts, expectations are really bad for you. I have many concepts for this piece by an author of several great books and audio files, Steve Chandler. Although his attitude towards these expectations is not new, his way of explaining the difference between these two modes of work is nothing short of brilliant. This may be obvious, but one last important indication is that requests and agreements require real-time maintenance, not text or email exchange.
So if you`re in that space of disappointment or impeachment, you set up a time to talk and make a deal. With practice, collusion becomes a proactive approach to communication. As a coach, I support others almost every day in developing applications and developing agreements. I think the development of this skill set is essential for changemakers and I recognize that it requires practice and courage. May this contribution serve as a memory, support and provocation. One relationship at a time, we can get rid of toxic expectations by turning them into demands and agreements.